My Regrets

Here is a list of my regrets. I’ll continue to update them as I continue to go through life:

• Not following my curiosities because other people weren’t interested in it too. For a long time my philosophy was that it was always best to pursue ideas, particularly ideas that involve creating something from scratch, with other people. I believed that you “needed” people with complementary skills to really achieve great things. Which I still think is somewhat true. However, the assumption that I need to recruit these people before pursuing my interests is wrong. I have found that most people I would want to work with respond most to progress, especially if done independently. Traction trumps everything ultimately. 

• Not pursuing opportunities because I was afraid of being alone. This is an old regret. I had an opportunity to go to a fantastic school that I worked hard to get into but declined the offer because I was scared of being the only Black person from my background there. I don’t regret where I ended up, but I do regret depriving myself of a potentially great education because of my fear of being othered. I have now come to strongly dislike the saying “You can’t be what you can’t see”. Yes, you can, and I actively encourage others to do so. Someone has to be the first. Shifting that responsibility to someone else holds back everyone.

• Trying to fit into stereotypes.  When I realized what I wanted to do, I naturally read up on people who had succeeded in these areas and found they were all really into Star Trek and the likes. I spent years trying to get into it, until I was finally honest with myself that I find that shit boring (apart from the 2009 & 2013 films)! What a bunch of wasted time, people can always smell inauthenticity. I would have been better off focusing my natural interests (Marvel), which ended up being more aligned with my actual work interests. 

• Being afraid of stereotypes. In my younger days, I used to avoid/embrace certain things (e.g music) because I was afraid of being a stereotype. Meh who cares! So what I’m a stereotype? 

• Not being honest during debates when I realize I am wrong. Often times I can tell during the debate when the point I am making is actually wrong.  I used to keep this thought to myself and only reveal this concession much later. The guilt sat on my chest too much. Now I will share in the moment that I am wrong. I feel much lighter now!

• Not taking back comments that I feel are not reflective of the character I want to be. Sometimes during conversation I may say something out of pocket, and immediately feel uncomfortable because it felt wrong to who I want to be. Similar to the feelings mentioned above, I would sit with this feeling and internally punish myself. Now I say in the moment when I feel a statement is of bad taste and should be ignored.

• Not quitting when I know I should. I always know when I should quit something, but my philosophy used to be that persistence trumps all. I usually end up quitting anyways, feeling lighter, but also sadder because I wasted a bunch of time. I now know that there is an opportunity cost of not quitting on time. I try not to ignore that feeling now.

• Being the bigger person. There have been times have been disrespected and I have just let it slide because I did not want to cause a scene in the spirit of being a “bigger person”. Fuck that. What actually ends up happening is that I have a ball of anger inside of me for a very long time, and vent about the situation to anyone who will listen! A very bitter life indeed. I do not do this anymore, although I still slip up occasionally.

• Not having good control of my anger. Where I grew up, being able to fight was an important way of defending yourself and commanding respect. As a bad habit, I ended up making that level of anger my default. Unfortunately because of this, I have found myself in situations where this anger has been manipulated, and overshading the original grievance. I have learned to better control this.

• Needing a reason to do things. I have wasted a lot of time & not pursued a number of things because I spent too much time searching for a reason to take action. Having a reason to pursue something is overrated! If you feel like doing something you should just do it. Your reason to continue or discontinue something comes after action has been taken, not before, and sometimes not at all! It’s okay to do stuff just because it feels good.

• Adopting other people’s standards. A lot of people are quite forceful about enforcing their standards on other people, usually because it makes them feel better about whatever it is they are doing. Whenever I have adopted someone else’s standard I am always left with a very uncomfortable feeling that needs to be constantly soothed by them, because deep down I know what I am doing is wrong *for me*.  I don’t do this anymore. To ensure this I just usually avoid having conversations about it and keep my thoughts & actions private.

• Not being myself. My true self is not very good at social norms for example. I learned to adapt in a bid not to make people uncomfortable. However, this has come at the cost of feeling guilty about not being authentic & missing out on the chance to actually find people I can be myself around / want to be around! I am slowly unlearning this, but still a way to go. 

• Thinking fashion & beauty does not matter to me.  I used to pride myself on just focusing on the work and now I feel that’s stupid. I feel better and make better decisions when I like the way I look. Also, fashion & beauty are a legitimate form of creation and one of the oldest! To not respect it was very arrogant of me.